Now, you're talking. HockeyJobu is very pleased with your offering - despite your plea on behalf of The City That Invented Misplaced Hockey Hubris. You will indeed see glory come to The Arena Filled With Suits. HockeyJobu just is not certain that it will come while He Who Will Not Tie His Tie is in control.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
For crying out loud...
Consider yourself lucky that the other guy made an offering. This is insulting.
Oh Great JoBU I offer you a bottle of Crown Royal a pack of Players Lights and a plate of poutine so that the Ottawa Sens lose game 7.
Players Lights...interesting choice. HockeyJobu has not had poutine in a while so, while he samples your finest, he'll watch goals rain down from Gaborik, Richards and company faster than expletives from a Tortorella locker room speech.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I offer the head of a dead cow on a silver platter that most of the NHL.com writers apologize to the fans for picking the pens to be the stanley cup
Would you accept a one-game suspension?
All powerful Jobu we offer two bottles of Havana Club 15 year rum and a box of Monte Cristo #2 cigars for the Wings to get out of the first round because right now it doesn't look good please help.
HockeyJobu appreciates your desperation, but save your offerings for next season.
Friday, February 24, 2012
I offer two bottles of Maker's Mark 46, one bottle of Captain Morgan's and two cheap cigars for the Red Wings to make the trade for that one player they need to go all the way in the playoffs.
The team in The Abandoned City have already traded for one player, but is it That One Player? HockeyJobu doubts it. Your beverage selection is acceptable, but cheap cigars? That only guarantees a playoff appearance. Send some real cigars next time, and then we'll discuss helping your team avoid Nashville in the playoffs.
Not without an appropriate offering of love for HockeyJobu, no.
Hockey Jobu, I offer up a bottle of Maker's Mark bourbon and a dozen Cajun rub chicken wings if Rick Nash traded to the Red Wings.
Cajun rub wings...mmmm....that might put the Red Wings on Captain Columbus' list!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
My request is of a different nature, o great one. I seek new announcers for my horrible blue jackets, for i only get to watch on TV. I offer you companionship from the 4 horsemen, Jack, Jim, Johnny, and Jose, as well as all the cigars in havannah if you c
All FOUR horsemen? That is indeed generous. The offseason in Ohio's capital city surely will be tumultuous - you just may get your wish.
Friday, November 18, 2011
HockeyJobu don't critique boys' photos.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Your offering is high quality but rather conservative. Be a little more creative next time. Still, a good bottle of Cuervo can't be poo-poo'd. HockeyJobu gives the Team from the Haunted Arena a win or two in gratitude for your sincere gift. (Besides, when your team starts out 0-7-1, is there an "on track" to get back to?)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Oh great hockey Jobu. I offer you 2 cases of imported Yuengling which is only available outside Ohio [don't go look it up, trust me] and 1 wine flavored Black & Mild to turn Kris Russell into a decent defender. Or really any of the CBJ's defenders. Help!!
While the Pennsylvania Nectar (a paradox if there ever was one) is now available locally, it would take an Opus One Magnum at minimum to persuade Hockey Jobu to even consider working on the Blue Jackets at this point.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
HockeyJobu is not necessarily a radical Muslim revolutionary - however the thought counts and 15 "virgens" could run a mean hibachi. He likes that the Manager Known As Niles has awoken from his 700-day slumber and decided to improve his competitive environment. Playoffs are a very real possibility.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Keep your pucks for your undermanned hockey squad...and your drinks for yourself. You'll need both of them this season!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Jobu, I offer a picnic full of Fourth of July hotdogs for the restoration of the Blue Jackets kid-friendly, cushy cannon character with a friendly face and fluffy moustache known as "Boomer."
Your offerings bear a striking resemblance to the object of your request, yet HockeyJobu believes that barrels of rum will need to be consumed on Nationwide Boulevard before The Mustachioed Unit sees the light of day again. But might this moment of glory suffice?
I seek the Columbus Blue Jackets to sign a player to play on the same line as Rick Nash. I offer you a bottle of Southern Comfort, Cuban Cigars, and Montgomery Inn Chicken.
Your offer is adequate, but HockeyJobu required a Czech-mate in addition. Good fortune to you, Jakub, may your long, flowing locks of ABBA-love do you well in The Land of Cheese Steaks. (And Hockey Jobu is VERY pleased to deliver The Long Overdue Top Line Center to his friends in Columbus!)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I really would like to see Eric Staal repeatedly beat up by Nathan Gerbe throughout all of the upcoming season. All I have is some old Genny Cream in my basement. It may be kinda warm. Is that enough?
Nowhere close. Besides, what has he of the "We reproduce hockey players like rabbits" family done to deserve such a fate? The fans in Land of Hockey BBQ need their captain...and HockeyJobu doesn't mind a little BBQ on occasion.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I seek a opt out loophole on Rick DiPietro's contract. I offer you a six pack of Natty Ice and a half eaten McNugget. Please Help! Garth
Poor Garth. Poor, poor Garth. Your team plays in a rat-trap, and your offerings to HockeyJobu reflect your continued lack of good taste. Another sign of this poor behavior was the 15-year millstone (and a fragile millstone, at that!) that you put around your franchise's neck. Go cry in your cheap beer and gnaw on your processed half-hors d'oeuvre - and don't come back without a much more interesting offering.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
All-powerful Jobu, we desire that the Coyotes make it past the first round of the playoffs. For this, we offer you a bottle of Patron Silver, a dozen sweet corn tamales, and an eighth of the finest medicinal herb our state has to offer.
But can HockeyJobu stick that herb in his pipe and smoke it? Seriously, the Cactus Canines appear poised to play the Faux Royalty from The City of Angels. HockeyJobu does not see this as a tremendous challenge for the scrappy cadre from the Valley of the Sun (in The Town that Corporate Welfare Forgot), so he will accept your generous gifts and scour the cupboards for some peanut butter to cure the inevitable munchies.